OSBORNE’S SPENDING REVIEW CAN CURE CANCER

Osborne, 13

Osborne, 13, is likely to be nominated for a Nobel prize

Middle-class tax payers were today saved from the agony of  contracting cancer thanks to the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s latest spending review.

Experts argue that measures such as removing incapacity payments from the nation’s scrounging cancer patients sponging off the taxpayer and forcing them into menial work or job seekers allowance, will boost self-esteem, reduce the burden on taxpayers and prevent their diseases spreading to middle England in the short time they have left.

George Osborne MP, 16, said in Parliament yesterday, “We inherited an appalling amount of terminally ill patients from Labour, and it’s imperative that we reduce that number to a manageable amount.

“Fairness is at the heart of the Big Society, and we will be implementing this budget realignment in a fair way, which means no longer will the severely disabled have such an easy ride through life.

“It’s only fair that we all share this burden,” says Osborne, 14, son and heir to millionaire wallpaper magnet Sir Peter Osborne, 17th Baronet of Ballentaylor.

In other news, an Indian post-graduate hoping to research cures for cancer at Oxford University was denied entry to the UK after recklessly choosing to be the 24,101st immigrant of the year.

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