How RPG’s work

Busy market place on an alien planet represented by half a dozen traders standing around waving at space and three customers slowly walking between stalls, but never purchasing anything.

Hero: Hi there.

Alien: Dammit! If only I had a wrench I could fix this fusion-tank! If you find it, I might be able to help you.

Hero: Where can I find it?

Alien: I don’t know. But I think it might have been dropped by a soldier who was inexplicably carrying in in their hands at the North-West corner underneath a tree, to the left of a cave, and beside a hedge, on the Galavor battlefield.

Hero: Why don’t you get it?

Alien: I’m far too busy. Plus, I have a bad back.

Hero: Okay, I’ll see if I can find it for you.

[Returns later with said object]

Hero: I got this for you [hands over wrench still attached to a severed arm], hope it was worth it. I killed seven people for it.

Alien: Fantastic, now I can recalibrate the plasma-matrix! Here’s the key you were after and 10,000 credits.

Hero: I didn’t know I needed a key, but thanks anyway. So. you don’t mind that I had to murder seven people so you could give me a key?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: Their screams still haunt me.

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: So if you had 10,000 credits to spend, why didn’t you just buy another wrench?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: As a mechanic, do you often send mercenaries on missions to kill people?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: Bye.

Hero turns on spot 180°, jumps up and down, then sprints towards a wall which he slides along magnetically and fires repeatedly at with his sub-machine gun. The half dozen traders continue to wave at thin air and the three customers amble between the stalls, never to buy anything until the end of time.

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Top 10 Weapons in Games

I was asked by the folks over at Square Go to list my 10 favourite weapons from gaming. As it’ll probably only be published in part, here’s the complete list including hastily thought up explanations:
10 – Mario’s Boots – Why flip a tortoise over to neutralise it, when you can jump and stamp on it’s head with your Italian made size 9’s?
9 – Gravity Gun, Half Life 2 – An original idea, brilliantly pulled off.
8 – Build control – The SIms – Recreate the West’s residence circa. 1990 by inviting people in, then removing the door and windows (and toilet) when they visit the bathroom and watching them starve. Or for those with an even darker intent, remove the swimming pool ladder whilst the baby is in the pool (sorry, a mate told me that once and I still can’t get it out my head. Wrong).
7 – BFG, Doom – Surely the Daddy of FPS weapons
6 – Sniper rifle, Silent Scope (Arcade) – If only for the joys of nabbing silent head shots whilst holding a pint amidst a rough and ready local.
5 – Big hammer thing – Halo3 – So powerful it throws you into the air. Awesome.
4 – Sticky grenades – Red Faction – Not sure if they got there before Halo or not, but the sadistic pleasure in seeing a bloke run in circles before exploding can not be underestimated.
3 – Plastic bag – Manhunt – Like a public information film on why kids shouldn’t play with Tesco bags, but made by a sociopath.
2 – Banana Bomb – Worms – Better on some versions than others admittedly, but at its best the chaos created by this most Carry On of weapons could wipe out a whole field.
1 – Katana – GTA: Vice City – See someone rollerskating down the seafront with a smug sense of their own perfection? Destroy their sense of balance by slicing off their arm with this Japanese sword. A weapon probably too violent for the improved graphics of the 360 version.