How RPG’s work

Busy market place on an alien planet represented by half a dozen traders standing around waving at space and three customers slowly walking between stalls, but never purchasing anything.

Hero: Hi there.

Alien: Dammit! If only I had a wrench I could fix this fusion-tank! If you find it, I might be able to help you.

Hero: Where can I find it?

Alien: I don’t know. But I think it might have been dropped by a soldier who was inexplicably carrying in in their hands at the North-West corner underneath a tree, to the left of a cave, and beside a hedge, on the Galavor battlefield.

Hero: Why don’t you get it?

Alien: I’m far too busy. Plus, I have a bad back.

Hero: Okay, I’ll see if I can find it for you.

[Returns later with said object]

Hero: I got this for you [hands over wrench still attached to a severed arm], hope it was worth it. I killed seven people for it.

Alien: Fantastic, now I can recalibrate the plasma-matrix! Here’s the key you were after and 10,000 credits.

Hero: I didn’t know I needed a key, but thanks anyway. So. you don’t mind that I had to murder seven people so you could give me a key?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: Their screams still haunt me.

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: So if you had 10,000 credits to spend, why didn’t you just buy another wrench?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: As a mechanic, do you often send mercenaries on missions to kill people?

Alien: Thanks for your help, and good luck in your quest to restore white power to the galaxy.

Hero: Bye.

Hero turns on spot 180°, jumps up and down, then sprints towards a wall which he slides along magnetically and fires repeatedly at with his sub-machine gun. The half dozen traders continue to wave at thin air and the three customers amble between the stalls, never to buy anything until the end of time.

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OSBORNE’S SPENDING REVIEW CAN CURE CANCER

Osborne, 13

Osborne, 13, is likely to be nominated for a Nobel prize

Middle-class tax payers were today saved from the agony of  contracting cancer thanks to the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s latest spending review.

Experts argue that measures such as removing incapacity payments from the nation’s scrounging cancer patients sponging off the taxpayer and forcing them into menial work or job seekers allowance, will boost self-esteem, reduce the burden on taxpayers and prevent their diseases spreading to middle England in the short time they have left.

George Osborne MP, 16, said in Parliament yesterday, “We inherited an appalling amount of terminally ill patients from Labour, and it’s imperative that we reduce that number to a manageable amount.

“Fairness is at the heart of the Big Society, and we will be implementing this budget realignment in a fair way, which means no longer will the severely disabled have such an easy ride through life.

“It’s only fair that we all share this burden,” says Osborne, 14, son and heir to millionaire wallpaper magnet Sir Peter Osborne, 17th Baronet of Ballentaylor.

In other news, an Indian post-graduate hoping to research cures for cancer at Oxford University was denied entry to the UK after recklessly choosing to be the 24,101st immigrant of the year.

MILLIONS OF UNEMPLOYED YOUTHS SPONGE OFF TAXPAYERS

British taxpayers were outraged today after it was revealed that upwards of half a million unemployed youths are costing the state MILLIONS OF POUNDS each year, whilst contributing absolutely NOTHING to the economy.

The scroungers, collect in groups of twenty to thirty within vast publicly funded buildings, heavily subsidised by the state.

As a further insult, these sponges and the public sector workers who work with them, enjoy months of holidays every year, while BRITISH soliders fight for our freedom every day in Afghanistan.

“This is an absolute outrage, which further undermines Britain’s place in the world,” says a critical source. “These privileged, pampered few pay zero taxes, and even struggle to form complex sentences after years of ‘education’.”

When asked why they were effectively holding the British tax payers to ransom, Sally, 5, class 1J, said “I like sweeties.”